I believe the majority of my tragedy has been self-inflicted. The only real hardships I have faced are the death of family and loved lost. I have not experienced true tragedy. I have only experienced things every girl experiences: not being enough and not being lovable. However, I created my own reality and chose the people I loved and unfortunately, they mirrored my self hate. I didn’t know how to love me so I reached out to seemingly confident men who I believed could.
And I learned.
I learned that love is not built in whispers, but forged in movement. And their movement did not match mine, but only time could show me that. No one could tell me who’s love I needed. I was stubborn and bold in my assumptions of love. There were signs, but I refused to see them because that meant seeing myself in them. And I couldn’t allow myself to see me in their flaws because that meant I wasn’t perfect. And who wants to admit that they had a role to play in the destruction of their life? So I pointed and staked all blame on them! They were the problem. They were the thorn in my side. All I wanted was to love them. Why did they have to be so cruel? But what if their cruelty was my design? What if their pain was what I sought because it was easier than healing my own?
It’s tragic, I know. But not unique.
Unfortunately, this story has been told a thousand times and a thousand times we learn only one thing, love yourself. Love who you are before braving any further because life cannot be lived without your love.