I escaped into your belonging

When I was a girl all I wanted to hear was, “I support you.”

I wanted to be trusted with my ideas.

I wanted to be heard.

Instead, I was silenced.

I was bullied.

He would talk over me.

Ignore me.

Mock me.

Then when I would start to crumble he would throw in a last jab,

“Why are you crying?”, he’d sneer.

The patronizing was the final straw.

I retreated.

I stopped trusting.

I stopped crying.

I built a wall around my heart because if I couldn’t trust family, who could I trust?

I couldn’t even trust me.

For years I was bullied along with my sister and mother.

I thought it was normal.

I even dated men who were bullies.

Because I thought that was all I was worth.

Until I met you.

And everything changed.

You were the light I needed.

You were this glimpse of another reality.

One full of joy and kindness.

Without insecurity.

Without pain.

So I jumped.

I escaped into your belonging.

But unfortunately, with my jump came my pain.

My trauma.

What I thought I escaped, I actually dragged with me.

And now you are seeing it unraveling and the girl who laughed at all your jokes is drowning with the sharks and you can’t throw a life raft.

I’m sorry, babe.

But these sharks are mine and I can’t keep being rescued.

I have to learn how to survive with them on my own.

I have to do the work.

And maybe one day, with enough love, my sharks can turn into dolphins.

Author:

lover of words

3 thoughts on “I escaped into your belonging

    1. I think it’s harder to learn to let go of the pain. I don’t even know if I believe forgiveness is the answer. All I know is I don’t want to keep dragging it around with me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The first indication of self-love is letting go of the heavy sack we have been dragging around for so long. Normally, we identify love with the act of holding on, and self-love with the act of holding on to what defines us. In fact, more often it is in letting go that we free ourselves simply and quietly to be, and we need to be who we are before we can love ourselves, let alone anyone else, in a manner that is open to the possibility of joy.

        Liked by 1 person

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