Posted in Being Vulnerable

If it wasn’t for writing

If it wasn’t for writing,

I’d probably go insane.

It’s the only way I know

how to really feel.

My emotions come in forms of letters,

which magically get spun into words.

And I, the observer, sit back and watch as the pen takes me.

It’s as if the hand that moves the pen isn’t mine.

I can feel it moving,

but my mind is not the one thinking the words.

It’s almost spiritual, you could say.

It’s as if the universe knows I struggle with talking

and therefore graciously lets me share through writing.

Written words have always made more sense to me.

They’re intellectually raw and more difficult to produce,

which I tend to prefer.

I guess it’s because I have always lived in my head.

So for me,

writing comes naturally.

Yet, it may not always be pretty,

But neither are feelings.

In the end,

the value is in the effort

not in the display.

So please continue writing

I want to read all that you have to say.

Author:

lover of words

28 thoughts on “If it wasn’t for writing

  1. Quits similar in a lot of ways, I have a book written by hand that I’m typing up and want to try get published. I like the blogging partly because it’s building a base of potential customers for my book if I have to self publish. I have all the usual stuff I want to achieve: excel at work, settle down etc. I’ve got a mantra: Zero to Hero in under two years. Seems like consistency is king for blogging, what’s your book about?

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    1. My book is about my relationship with my partner. How we met is pretty insane so I thought I should write it down. But it’s also extremely vulnerable so sometimes I get overwhelmed with the idea of finishing it. But I know my want for it to be completed is bigger than my fear. I just have to prioritize it. While also prioritizing my blog, my workouts, my reading, my stretching, my slothing aka self care, and all the other things haha sometimes I wonder how the fuck people even become successful. I mean I would describe myself as successful now just because I am content with my life but I men how do people balance all their projects without losing sleep.
      I guess just better time management.
      What do you think?

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      1. Sounds like an interesting tale. Success is a fickle concept. It often depends on who you compare yourself to. In the context of my family I’m struggling hard but compared to other ex-cons I’m doing great. I guess the key question is ‘Am I enjoying my time on this earth?’ And Is success what you need to be enjoying life? Balance in all things and live life your way. I also kind of feel like winning can be hard work and to truly be excelling life should be kind of effortless. Do you have a deadline for finishing your book? I’m aiming to get mine done by the end of the year..

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      2. Currently I don’t have a deadline. Probably, definitely should as that’s the only way it’s going to get written. I probably need someone to keep me accountable with it and just keep asking me how it’s going.
        How do you keep yourself focused on it?

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      3. This may sound funny but I set a reminder in my phone that goes off every day and says “write now or forever be unfulfilled”. That helps, I also found I had to delete my video games, they just eat up too much of my time, without them I have time to relax after work and write a little later. My main problem is 40 thousand words already written that need to be typed up when I’d rather write new stuff. Have you done much research into getting published or self publishing?

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      4. There must be an app that can scan your writing and type it for you. Right? There’s so many applications out in the world I imagine you could make that process more efficient.
        And that reminder on your phone definitely made me laugh.

        I write the most on the weekend as during the week everything feels pretty rushed for time with all my other priorities.
        And no I haven’t done much research but I’ve watched other people’s stories. A friend I graduated high school with just got published after a shit ton of rejection letters. So I’m sure if I have any questions I’ll ask her.
        I would probably say one goal at a time for me.
        So my goal to be stronger in the gym like I was a couple yrs ago is my main focus right now.
        But idk if the book can wait that long.
        Fuck.
        Well at least I feel like you’re inspiring me to make it more of a priority

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  2. I can relate to the trapped part. It’s a wild time to be alive on so many levels, to be honest I’m never bored either cos I’ve learned to enjoy mediation and thinking. I’d love to write for a living, do you have any goals with your work?

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    1. My goal primarily is to be consistent. I post now every Saturday and I want to keep it like that. When I started I was very much all over the place, and I don’t like that anymore. It offers no structure or expectation for me to meet. So consistency being established first is my goal.
      Then finishing my book would be lovely even though I often forget about it as I love reading other people’s books so much. 😂

      What are your goals?

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  3. Not thick enough but I love it… you’re right, it’s a balance but I’m finding that my life feels more meaningful working on my poetry than most things. It’s a nice feeling especially in the time of corona to have not enough hours in the day rather than feel bored and restless..

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    1. I wouldn’t really know what boredom feels like haha I am not easily bored. I walk alot, and here we can go to the gym again and I don’t know I guess I always feel like there is something to do. But restless that’s another thing. Corona definitely has shown me I don’t like feeling trapped. Lol

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    1. Writing is always a beautiful experience for me. It’s like taking your first breath of air after swimming under the pool or like eating after fasting all day. It’s such a relief for me

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      1. I have a sort of guilt about spending time unproductively, can’t watch TV or movies for that reason. Writing of any kind feels like a good way to spend time not wasted. Also have a love of writing by hand with a fountain pen and a leather bound journal. Just need to move to Paris and I’d be set:)

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      2. I have a similar guilt… But I still watch YouTube or instagram stories for too long. But I try to set timers now and be more aware of my time on there. I like to shoot for balance instead of complete cut off for me personally.
        How thick is the leather bound journal? I always find journals are not thick enough. I finish them rather quickly.

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  4. A lover of raw words is a lover of soul. I truly admire your willingness to be so honest with everything you write. This is another expression of that raw delight you have in your soul’s openness to explore and to feel.

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    1. Thank you for seeing my openness 🙂 I believe being vulnerable is very difficult and grueling, but necessary for growth, which for me, trumps the fear of it. I want to grow and connect with my sensitivity as often as humanly possible to make up for all the times I was told to “be strong”. So again, thank you for seeing me, my friend. I greatly appreciate it.

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      1. Indeed, there is a real strength in being open to our vulnerability. So much of what we call “strength” are really intellectual, emotional, and subconscious barriers to the soul. These faux strengths exist to perpetuate a false ego that deflects the difficult experiences from which we can grow. By setting aside this false ego we can tap into our true self, which is really an expression of our soul, and that is the first real step toward wisdom. Tapping in our true self, though, takes considerable courage, for it is at odds with the false ego with which we have grown comfortable over the years. Our true self moreover is likely to be different from the person our friends and family have grown to love, and they will perceive this “tapping in our true self” as waywardness or even destructive eccentricity. The world wants us to live false lives, and so there is a tempest to weather in coming to terms with who we really are. We may only hope that the joy that comes from greater wisdom down the road is worth the perils of the time. I suspect that it is.

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      2. Why do you think the world wants us to live false lives? Or is it more the western world than the whole world?
        Is it a lack of education? Or a generational suppression that keeps cycling through? Or a corporate creation to turn people into productive robots?

        The main question is, why are adults afraid of their feelings? Why do they silence their feelings? Why do they think suppression of feelings works when the data shows otherwise?

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      3. All societies from the earliest cave dwellers to the most advanced are premised on a certain degree of social conformity. They uphold an ideal of the “perfect man” or “perfect woman” and endeavor to mold us into a similitude of that ideal. To the extent the arbiters of social conformity can get us to conform they wield power. It does not matter to them if the people lose their souls in the process, for power is so intoxicating and the exercise thereof justified by any manner of religious, political, cultural, or philosophical precepts. Adults are afraid of their own feelings for they have been socially indoctrinated from birth to put the demands of socialization about their own souls. Societies of all sorts have no greater fear than a freed soul pursuing her bliss.

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      4. My sense of how and why society aims to repress the individual soul derives from a combination of reading and traveling. I am open to the possibility but have yet to find a society that truly cherishes an individual’s full expression of her soul. For this reason, I am of the mind that soulful living is intrinsically revolutionary and likely to inspire negative reactions from others in varying degrees.

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      5. Pursuing what your soul finds blissful. This is easier said than done. The hardest part at first is discernment. What really does my soul find blissful? Can I distinguish what my soul finds blissful versus what I have been socialized into thinking will make me happy? For that matter, can I distinguish between soul bliss, which is the highest possible state apart from what is attainable through the gift of divine grace, and the lower conditions of “happiness” and even “joy”? All of these are questions we can start to answer only with greater discernment of our soul. There are several methods for advancing discernment, including meditation, prayer, and ascetic discipline. If and when we really start to acquire discernment, we shall start to grow in wisdom. With wisdom comes perspective on truth – not just learning what is true, which we can learn from philosophy and theology, but actually developing our own perspective of the truth. Perspective should not be confused with cultivating a subjective truth. Truth, if genuine and meaningful at all, must be objective. Still, we can start to develop what is our own inner perspective on that objective truth – how we relate to it, how it calls to us, what we may be called to do (or not to do) in response. Once we acquire our own perspective on truth, we may start to act on that, assuming of course we have the courage of our conviction at that time to buck the socialization which likely will be contrary to our own perspective on truth. This is what I call soulful living: Acting in the world (“acting” in the broadest sense, which will include concrete action, but also talking, writing, thinking, etc., basically any kind of personal physical, mental, or emotional push in any one direction) in accordance with ones own perspective on the truth. This is what the soul wants, and this is how the soul finds bliss.

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      6. How I interpret that is listening to your intuition. Which I agree does takes practice and discernment. I find when I listen and wait and write, my soul speaks. But I have to make the time to hold space for her. I cannot assume she will speak loudly in order to grab my attention. Therefore, I know through much experience my most soulful moments are in the designed silence.

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    1. I’m sure all creators feel some piece of this, right? I’m sure for builders if they don’t build they feel bored and useless and for painters who don’t paint, I’m sure they must feel a bit colorless. So for writers, I believe without writing we would be assaulted by all the words floating in our mind and soul. Most of the time I find the words run to escape me as if they have been trapped in a cage for generations. And maybe this is also true. But in the end, I am thankful for their presence. They give me a voice I would otherwise not have.

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