Posted in Reflections

I don’t know how to stay

At a job longer than two years.

I’ve never done it.

I keep chasing greener grass.

I get bored or the team changes or the culture disintegrates or I believe they’re holding me back

I always find a reason.

I give it my all the first six months truly

And then something happens.

Something changes

Either it’s the team, the company or me

And then I bounce

I get antsy man.

And I try to understand people who stay.

People who have created a family there but I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

I love the idea of family at work

But I also love the idea of career progression and being well paid.

And being challenged.

Maybe it’s my father in me.

He always did bounce around jobs in his twenties.

Chasing that dollar.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

I have goals man.

I want a house.

I want tattoos.

I want to travel.

So I keep swiping and scrolling for that next job.

That next high.

Because I ain’t comfortable yet.

Posted in Blog

Sometimes

I’m so in love with my partner that it brings tears to my eyes.

The level of support I am gifted by him is unreal.

And his ability to create the most well designed spotify playlist is honestly beyond comprehension.

3 years going on 30.

No question.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Dating me

I imagine dating me is like constantly changing lanes on the highway while watching a car crash.

I’m a zero to one hundred kind of gal.

What can I say?

Posted in Being Vulnerable

IVF

To be honest, I don’t get it.

I’m 28 and in a long term relationship, but with no kids.

So I know I can’t relate.

But seriously why all the fuss?

Why the desperation for your own child?

I’m not being cruel, I just simply don’t understand.

Are all the hormones really worth it?

Are all the long nights, hard cries, pity partying, fights with your partner to have scheduled sex, worth it?

Please enlighten me.

Because I’m struggling to see what your legacy will offer when all I see are the millions of children born homeless.

Why do you need your own?

Please, enlighten me.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

It’s my birthday

So I stayed up for my birthday last night.

Watching love is blind.

Ya I had to know who lasted till the end, man.

So happy for Cameron and Lauren!

No spoilers because this was season one.

Anyways, it’s my birthday.

I’m 28 and cannot wait!

I love a birthday, mate!

And Australia is my fate.

So I’mma fucking celebrate

On this date

Even if I’m late.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 20

Did I tell you I got a nutritional therapist?

I was afraid I was becoming addicted to sugar.

It runs in the family.

And I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be like my family.

I want to be better.

So I hired her.

And we took a deep dive into my family, into my trauma, and into why I sometimes emotionally eat.

And she started slow.

She suggested increasing my water intake.

And making healthy brownies instead of buying chocolate.

And that helped.

But that rejection the other day triggered another emotional response.

And the first day, I surprisingly didn’t eat my feelings.

I felt alright and I thought I talked it all through with my friend back home.

But then the weekend came.

And with it came the shopping, the distractions and the reach for old, happy memories.

And honestly I don’t feel shame about it.

Because I know why I did it.

I have pain inside me that needs to be seen.

I need to cry more and I’m really bad at making time to cry.

But I know I need to try because this pain has been with me for a decade now at least and I’m tired of getting so hurt when people don’t want to be my friend anymore.

It’s just getting ridiculous, you know?

Because I know my worth.

And I am a good friend.

And I am a good person.

So if I know this about myself, then I shouldn’t let these comments or actions stick to me.

I should treat them like rain on a duck’s back and just let it slide right off me.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 19

It slides down like butter

Hot

And

Burning.

And there come the goosebumps

The heavy breathing

The release

All I want is to not regret it

The taste of you

Hot Cheetos

Was worth this painful poo

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 18

And just like that

I got rejected.

By another one.

Damn sensitive American girls.

And I can say that!

I’m American.

She thinks we’re not a good fit because on Friday she went to an event I went to and I didn’t sit with her.

Talk about unreasonable.

And no, she wasn’t alone.

She came with all her friends who were visiting from out of town. Our table was full. She had to find another table and I didn’t sit with her.

I’m sorry I fucked up.

In all honesty, I thought she was fine. She was catching up with her friends. But no, the girl got upset.

Now she doesn’t want to be friends.

Literally this is insane to me.

I actually apologized too.

I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. I honestly thought she was fine hanging with all of her friends.

But nope.

She’s done.

Just dropped me.

And I’m a good fucking friend!

Literally when I was in college, I walked out of a class for my friend Catherine because she text me saying she needed me.

Yeah, I’m that girl.

I’ll move mountains for you if I have to.

And she drops me because I didn’t sit with her?

Such a fucking quitter.

And you know what sucks, it fuckin hurts.

Even though it’s unreasonable, the rejection still hurts.

I actually even cried when I got home.

Yeah, I can be a damn sensitive American too.

But you know what?

I’m not giving up.

I know my best friend is out there somewhere and I’m not closing up shop just because one girl can’t get over the fact I didn’t sit with her and all her friends.

I’m not miss hosty, okay.

You’re an adult. You can manage yourself at an outdoor concert.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 17

What is this desperate feeling?

I have everything I need.

My dog. My dude. The sun. The beach.

All the comforts in the world

And yet here I am continuing to reach out.

Are my dreams of friendship unrealistic or borderline Hollywood?

I want someone I see every week.

A friend to grow with.

To learn from.

To laugh with.

And I have beautiful friends here.

But I feel I always initiate.

And I’m starting to think that is my burden to bare in order for me to meet my friend quota.

But it does hurt a bit.

Not feeling wanted.

I know people are busy.

They have partners and other friends and work and all the bullshit we all have.

I guess it’s just easier when you live with your friends or live in the same neighborhood as them.

I lived with my friend Sarah for two years back home so it was easy to become best friends with her.

Friends through convenience I guess.

Why are people so fucking lazy now days?

Anyways, here’s me telling the universe I would like a best friend in Sydney who is responsive and initiates drinks and wants to go on trips and who wants to go deep man. Because I’m ready for that deep friendship here.

Amen.