I imagine dating me is like constantly changing lanes on the highway while watching a car crash.
I’m a zero to one hundred kind of gal.
What can I say?
Category: Being Vulnerable
IVF
To be honest, I don’t get it.
I’m 28 and in a long term relationship, but with no kids.
So I know I can’t relate.
But seriously why all the fuss?
Why the desperation for your own child?
I’m not being cruel, I just simply don’t understand.
Are all the hormones really worth it?
Are all the long nights, hard cries, pity partying, fights with your partner to have scheduled sex, worth it?
Please enlighten me.
Because I’m struggling to see what your legacy will offer when all I see are the millions of children born homeless.
Why do you need your own?
Please, enlighten me.
Journal 21
What’s it like being a middle child?
It’s my birthday
So I stayed up for my birthday last night.
Watching love is blind.
Ya I had to know who lasted till the end, man.
So happy for Cameron and Lauren!
No spoilers because this was season one.
Anyways, it’s my birthday.
I’m 28 and cannot wait!
I love a birthday, mate!
And Australia is my fate.
So I’mma fucking celebrate
On this date
Even if I’m late.
Journal 20
Did I tell you I got a nutritional therapist?
I was afraid I was becoming addicted to sugar.
It runs in the family.
And I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be like my family.
I want to be better.
So I hired her.
And we took a deep dive into my family, into my trauma, and into why I sometimes emotionally eat.
And she started slow.
She suggested increasing my water intake.
And making healthy brownies instead of buying chocolate.
And that helped.
But that rejection the other day triggered another emotional response.
And the first day, I surprisingly didn’t eat my feelings.
I felt alright and I thought I talked it all through with my friend back home.
But then the weekend came.
And with it came the shopping, the distractions and the reach for old, happy memories.
And honestly I don’t feel shame about it.
Because I know why I did it.
I have pain inside me that needs to be seen.
I need to cry more and I’m really bad at making time to cry.
But I know I need to try because this pain has been with me for a decade now at least and I’m tired of getting so hurt when people don’t want to be my friend anymore.
It’s just getting ridiculous, you know?
Because I know my worth.
And I am a good friend.
And I am a good person.
So if I know this about myself, then I shouldn’t let these comments or actions stick to me.
I should treat them like rain on a duck’s back and just let it slide right off me.
Journal 19
It slides down like butter
Hot
And
Burning.
And there come the goosebumps
The heavy breathing
The release
All I want is to not regret it
The taste of you
Hot Cheetos
Was worth this painful poo
Journal 18
And just like that
I got rejected.
By another one.
Damn sensitive American girls.
And I can say that!
I’m American.
She thinks we’re not a good fit because on Friday she went to an event I went to and I didn’t sit with her.
Talk about unreasonable.
And no, she wasn’t alone.
She came with all her friends who were visiting from out of town. Our table was full. She had to find another table and I didn’t sit with her.
I’m sorry I fucked up.
In all honesty, I thought she was fine. She was catching up with her friends. But no, the girl got upset.
Now she doesn’t want to be friends.
Literally this is insane to me.
I actually apologized too.
I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. I honestly thought she was fine hanging with all of her friends.
But nope.
She’s done.
Just dropped me.
And I’m a good fucking friend!
Literally when I was in college, I walked out of a class for my friend Catherine because she text me saying she needed me.
Yeah, I’m that girl.
I’ll move mountains for you if I have to.
And she drops me because I didn’t sit with her?
Such a fucking quitter.
And you know what sucks, it fuckin hurts.
Even though it’s unreasonable, the rejection still hurts.
I actually even cried when I got home.
Yeah, I can be a damn sensitive American too.
But you know what?
I’m not giving up.
I know my best friend is out there somewhere and I’m not closing up shop just because one girl can’t get over the fact I didn’t sit with her and all her friends.
I’m not miss hosty, okay.
You’re an adult. You can manage yourself at an outdoor concert.
Journal 17
What is this desperate feeling?
I have everything I need.
My dog. My dude. The sun. The beach.
All the comforts in the world
And yet here I am continuing to reach out.
Are my dreams of friendship unrealistic or borderline Hollywood?
I want someone I see every week.
A friend to grow with.
To learn from.
To laugh with.
And I have beautiful friends here.
But I feel I always initiate.
And I’m starting to think that is my burden to bare in order for me to meet my friend quota.
But it does hurt a bit.
Not feeling wanted.
I know people are busy.
They have partners and other friends and work and all the bullshit we all have.
I guess it’s just easier when you live with your friends or live in the same neighborhood as them.
I lived with my friend Sarah for two years back home so it was easy to become best friends with her.
Friends through convenience I guess.
Why are people so fucking lazy now days?
Anyways, here’s me telling the universe I would like a best friend in Sydney who is responsive and initiates drinks and wants to go on trips and who wants to go deep man. Because I’m ready for that deep friendship here.
Amen.
Journal 16
Just got this card in the mail.
He apologized for disowning me.
He’s never apologized to me before.
This is a first.
He always use to say I love you instead of I’m sorry.
They’re not the same.
And I’m glad he sees that now.
Thanks dad.
Journal 15
Today I feel encouraged.
Excited.
Thrilled for the evolution of women.
Because lately, I’ve been meeting more and more women who are okay with not having children.
And people, this is a big deal!
Because when I was growing up, I was surrounded by young, christian girls who believed their soul mission was to find a man, wait for sex, get married, and then pop out some babies.
And it was fucking discouraging for me to live up to such a mundane existence. And such a stringent one at that!
1. Waiting for sex? Shit I tried and I even pat myself on the back for getting to 20 years old at least. But it wasn’t for me. My libido was insane growing up and I wish someone had told me it was normal, that it was okay and even went so far as to hand me a vibrator. Because that would have been alot more fruitful than seeking dick for seven years and thinking I was a slut or worse, a bad christian.
2. Marriage? Nah bitch. This girl is too traumatized for that shit. I was raised with fighting, miserable parents staying together for god and the kids. I don’t want that.
3. Babies? Now that I’m thinking about once in a while, but the difference is I actually feel no pressure about it.
I feel very okay with having one or not having one.
And I even feel more okay having one and not being married first.
I know.
Shocker.
But yeah, meeting all these strong, beautifully capable women tell me they are pretty “meh” about the whole idea, is actually really exciting for me. They don’t feel rushed. They don’t feel confined.
They feel free.
And isn’t that a fucking victory for us?
I mean, it feels like it to me god damn it!
So let’s raise a glass to all the women out there deciding their life is more than just a vessel for children and pray those around them have the eyes to witness this evolution without being absolute fuckwits.
