Posted in Reflections

I don’t know how to stay

At a job longer than two years.

I’ve never done it.

I keep chasing greener grass.

I get bored or the team changes or the culture disintegrates or I believe they’re holding me back

I always find a reason.

I give it my all the first six months truly

And then something happens.

Something changes

Either it’s the team, the company or me

And then I bounce

I get antsy man.

And I try to understand people who stay.

People who have created a family there but I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

I love the idea of family at work

But I also love the idea of career progression and being well paid.

And being challenged.

Maybe it’s my father in me.

He always did bounce around jobs in his twenties.

Chasing that dollar.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

I have goals man.

I want a house.

I want tattoos.

I want to travel.

So I keep swiping and scrolling for that next job.

That next high.

Because I ain’t comfortable yet.

Posted in Reflections

Thoughts on a Tuesday

You know sometimes I think about myself and ask,

Am I dateable?

And I think about the app days
And how people would ask me what do you do for fun?

And now I would say,
I lay in bed at 645 and drink camomile tea.

Haha and there’s no shame in that. Like my life isn’t something to be pitched. I remember I use to pitch this story like I was something exciting when I never really was. Now being honest, I’m thinking, dude I like routine. I like sleep. And
I’m a grandma inside a 27yr old body.

And I’m completely cool with that.

Posted in Reflections

Cat calling

The horns would honk

The whistles would blow

And the men would stare.

It started when I was fourteen

Walking down the street

in Sacramento.

I felt the attention.

Part of me liked it,

I’m not gonna lie.

But then part of me also felt scared

I was being sexualized and I didn’t even know what that meant.

But it kept happening.

I’d walk

And they’d drive by.

For years this went on

When I was a kid.

It was weird

But it became normal.

And now as a grown adult,

It stopped.

Which some would say, thank god.

But in my fucked up head

I’ve been conditioned to think

“Am I not beautiful anymore?”

Whick makes me wonder

How any woman survives puberty


When they’re taught as children

That only their looks are worth attention.

Instagram :

Posted in Reflections

The girl with the dreads

They dangled down her back, each thread separate but together. And she worshiped them. Her dreads were her identity. Her freedom. Her home. So when she joined the army she never questioned if they were coming with her. With every push up and every pull up, her hair cheered her on as each bead clapped together with the swing of her head. The sound soon became the girls anthem song.

No one could forget that smile. That wide, bright smile with her dark blue eyes. It’s almost as if she knew something we didn’t know.

But what was it?

So when it was spring break in San Diego and the soldiers were out playing at the beach, we weren’t even surprised to see her running down the sidewalk pushing a grocery cart with a few books and a dog in it. It was her after all.

Boy did she play with the crowd! She weaved and waggled that cart while running full speed ahead and never hit a soul! The dog, of course, laid still as if he belonged there his whole life. Not even fazed for a moment.

She just kept running and laughing all along the board walk until something blocked her path. And the only thing that could ever manage to do that was what appeared to be a volleyball match. Two boys on either side, thin as sticks, whacking the beautiful white globe back and forth until one boy became victim to “the tip” and the ball would fall so close to the net that it was almost impossible to dig it up.

And there she stood. It was love at first sight. She couldn’t deny it. The game had won her heart.

While she was momentarily distracted, a puppy nearby took a liking to her dog in the cart. Now this puppy was like any other, fluffy and curious, nothing special. So of course, the dog in the cart didn’t give the pup even a side eyed glance because it wasn’t worth its time. However, as it came closer she noticed a twinkle in its eye that she recognized and just as she was reaching her arms out, it bolted! It found the nearest hole in the fence and ran.

Who was its owner you may ask? One of the sticks playing the glorious game! And once he noticed the pup had houdinied out of its leash and escaped through the fence, he dropped the ball and tried to chase after him.

And again there she stood, flabbergasted he would choose the pup over the game. No matter. A spot was now open and it was her turn to play.

Posted in Reflections

Where do the birds go?

Where do the birds go when it rains? What gives them protection from the storm? I can imagine them shivering, huddled together worried and afraid. I can also imagine them desperately scanning the horizon seeking any missing friends hoping they counted every feather in their flock.

However, what I most imagine is what they do with that fear. Do they let it consume them or do they let it release them?

And as I walk and ponder this I hear them all at once opening their throats to what begins to sound like a melody. A melody, I believe, they save only for storms. A melody of hope in the horizon where fear can not hurt them. And so they begin, one by one singing their song of courage and joy in the unknown. And as I look up I can see them imagining my fear instead of theirs. They are no different than me, I realize. And with their feathers stretched out, I begin to see them sway. Feather by feather they stretch and sway until the entire flock unites as one choir, heads raised high, eyes closed. The build up becomes so intense that it starts to grow and lift their spirits beyond the barn where they perch. Even the munching cows take notice!

The chorus continues to climb; nothing will cease the chant of love until the last drop of rain touches the earth. Even if they have to hum to the finish line, I realize, the flock will not stop for they believe their sound is their horizon.