The thing I like the most about being in a “long term” relationship. Haha “long term”. It has been 2.5 years. That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it’s all I got so fuck off. Anyways, the thing I like the most about it is the reliability. I have tested this through and through and I know without a doubt that this relationship is reliable.
We are two people who can sit in a car for five hours and say nothing to each other.
We are completely content with the silence.
We don’t rely on each other for entertainment. We just float in our own thoughts and once in a while touch each other’s knee for a love check-in.
It is pretty bad ass.
It’s not awkward or weird.
And as introverts, we thrive in the stillness.
And to be able to rely on the stillness with him is probably the best gift he could give me.
He has a way with me.
The raise of his eyebrow.
The slant of his smile.
Funny how random
It all began.
Just one pen pal
He sent me a joke
And I responded.
Back and forth
Back and forth.
Until we reached for more.
But still we kept our
I didn’t know his name
Or what he looked like.
It was all just a game.
For a month straight
We played this game.
For that one email
From each other.
That if we escalated the stakes
The other would leave.
You see, the fun
Was in the mystery.
We could say anything
To each other
Because we truly believed
It was all make believe.
But then he asked to see me.
“Do you want to skype?”,
And I was petrified.
I wanted him to stay
Only in my dreams.
I didn’t want the game to end.
Yet, my curiosity said yes.
And that night
I finally saw what he looked like.
And you could say,
I was more than surprised.
Because there in front of me
Was a remarkably above average
With a slanted smile
And a sparkle in his eye.
And you best believe
I was goddamn awkward
On that video call.
It was like meeting
My crush for the first time
And him telling me
He liked me too.
But he handled it
Like a gentleman.
As he always tends to do.
Two years later,
I sit here with him.
As if how we met
Because it feels like
I’ve always known him.
I like to believe
I think about him.
I think about him when I think I shouldn’t.
I think pieces of my soul was drawn to him.
Something I can’t explain, but only can experience.
It was attraction at its peak,
I was in love
Or so I thought.
I changed my whole being for him.
I molded myself into what I believed he wanted to hear,
Because I was afraid he wouldn’t like me other wise.
So I pretended.
And have I ever told you how good I was at pretending?
Let’s just say, I was well practiced.
By the end I had him wrapped around my finger,
But it wasn’t real love.
He abused me in the dark
And I continued to chisel and mold myself thinking this time I got it.
And I did this because that’s what my dad always wanted.
Like I said, well practiced.
So I believed all guys wanted it,
The shape shifting,
The white lies,
The fake confidence,
The controlling charisma,
Everything was a lie.
I am not her.
I am the girl who cries when she reads the news.
I am the girl who gets anxious in big crowds.
I am the girl who wants to be liked so she pretends to be an extrovert.
I am the girl who wants to feel safe in your arms.
And lastly I am the girl who is okay without a plan.
But who are you?
You are the boy who hates himself so much you pretend to be a narcissist to hide it.
You are the boy who sees everything in darkness.
You are the boy who pretends he doesn’t need friends when really you are desperately lonely.
So of course we were drawn to each other.
We sought our truth in each other
Because we thought the other could fix us.
And we had fun along the way,
But we had to grow up eventually didn’t we, Peter Pan?
I believe the majority of my tragedy has been self-inflicted. The only real hardships I have faced are the death of family and loved lost. I have not experienced true tragedy. I have only experienced things every girl experiences: not being enough and not being lovable. However, I created my own reality and chose the people I loved and unfortunately, they mirrored my self hate. I didn’t know how to love me so I reached out to seemingly confident men who I believed could.
And I learned.
I learned that love is not built in whispers, but forged in movement. And their movement did not match mine, but only time could show me that. No one could tell me who’s love I needed. I was stubborn and bold in my assumptions of love. There were signs, but I refused to see them because that meant seeing myself in them. And I couldn’t allow myself to see me in their flaws because that meant I wasn’t perfect. And who wants to admit that they had a role to play in the destruction of their life? So I pointed and staked all blame on them! They were the problem. They were the thorn in my side. All I wanted was to love them. Why did they have to be so cruel? But what if their cruelty was my design? What if their pain was what I sought because it was easier than healing my own?
It’s tragic, I know. But not unique.
Unfortunately, this story has been told a thousand times and a thousand times we learn only one thing, love yourself. Love who you are before braving any further because life cannot be lived without your love.
Do you ever wish you could pocket a laugh? You hear it pounding behind you and think, “I want that! I want that in my pocket right now!” Well that’s what it’s like for me every time I hear Josh’s laugh. It is the loudest, most infectious laugh I have ever heard. And it reminds me of mine without the insecurity bit. Unfortunately, I was teased a bit for my loud laugh back in school. Nothing scarring or anything, but just something I’m constantly reminded of when I laugh. And what I love about Josh is that the thought is never there with him. He laughs recklessly and joyously and I can’t help but envy him and love him more for it. All I want to do when I hear it is seize it and carry it in my pocket for days to come. Days I may want to scream and throw my hands in the air, instead could be solved with a little pocket laugh. A little tee hee hee at my cubicle could make all the difference in my day. Honestly. Or I want to pocket that laugh for days I may need a laugh initiator because I just can’t get there on my own. You know? Those are the days his laugh would come in clutch.
So what I am getting at is just fucking laugh man. Find the funny and just do it because no one gives a shit how loud your laughs are and if they do well then they are just a bunch of haters anyways.