Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 20

Did I tell you I got a nutritional therapist?

I was afraid I was becoming addicted to sugar.

It runs in the family.

And I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be like my family.

I want to be better.

So I hired her.

And we took a deep dive into my family, into my trauma, and into why I sometimes emotionally eat.

And she started slow.

She suggested increasing my water intake.

And making healthy brownies instead of buying chocolate.

And that helped.

But that rejection the other day triggered another emotional response.

And the first day, I surprisingly didn’t eat my feelings.

I felt alright and I thought I talked it all through with my friend back home.

But then the weekend came.

And with it came the shopping, the distractions and the reach for old, happy memories.

And honestly I don’t feel shame about it.

Because I know why I did it.

I have pain inside me that needs to be seen.

I need to cry more and I’m really bad at making time to cry.

But I know I need to try because this pain has been with me for a decade now at least and I’m tired of getting so hurt when people don’t want to be my friend anymore.

It’s just getting ridiculous, you know?

Because I know my worth.

And I am a good friend.

And I am a good person.

So if I know this about myself, then I shouldn’t let these comments or actions stick to me.

I should treat them like rain on a duck’s back and just let it slide right off me.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 15

Today I feel encouraged.

Excited.

Thrilled for the evolution of women.

Because lately, I’ve been meeting more and more women who are okay with not having children.

And people, this is a big deal!

Because when I was growing up, I was surrounded by young, christian girls who believed their soul mission was to find a man, wait for sex, get married, and then pop out some babies.

And it was fucking discouraging for me to live up to such a mundane existence. And such a stringent one at that!

1. Waiting for sex? Shit I tried and I even pat myself on the back for getting to 20 years old at least. But it wasn’t for me. My libido was insane growing up and I wish someone had told me it was normal, that it was okay and even went so far as to hand me a vibrator. Because that would have been alot more fruitful than seeking dick for seven years and thinking I was a slut or worse, a bad christian.

2. Marriage? Nah bitch. This girl is too traumatized for that shit. I was raised with fighting, miserable parents staying together for god and the kids. I don’t want that.

3. Babies? Now that I’m thinking about once in a while, but the difference is I actually feel no pressure about it.

I feel very okay with having one or not having one.

And I even feel more okay having one and not being married first.

I know.

Shocker.

But yeah, meeting all these strong, beautifully capable women tell me they are pretty “meh” about the whole idea, is actually really exciting for me. They don’t feel rushed. They don’t feel confined.

They feel free.

And isn’t that a fucking victory for us?

I mean, it feels like it to me god damn it!

So let’s raise a glass to all the women out there deciding their life is more than just a vessel for children and pray those around them have the eyes to witness this evolution without being absolute fuckwits.