I get it now.
The drinking
The writing
The addiction
It feels good to write intoxicated.
I feel free
Uninhibited
And yet I’m lucky
I don’t have the addiction bug
Like my father
Like my brother
Like all the men in my family
Is it a man thing?
I don’t know
But I’m lucky
I know when to stop
Thank god
Or the devil
For skipping me
I appreciate it.
It was worth it.
A tad more painful than I anticipated
But this girl didn’t budge
Because I don’t squirm under pain
I fuckin thrive yo
Nah I just visualized the pain
Until it became apart of me
I am the pain
Ya suck on that wisdom!
K
bye
I’m getting a new tattoo tomorrow.
Water color.
It’s my first big color tattoo.
I’m a bit nervous I’ll hate it.
The tattooer sent me her sketch and I hated it.
But I didn’t tell her I did.
I told her the things I liked about it and the things I liked about my inspiration picture I sent her and asked if it’s doable to implement those specific likes.
She said she’ll be free handing it and yes it’s easy to implement.
I responded, I trust you.
But fuck I’m nervous.
But I’ve seen her portfolio.
I like her work.
I really do.
So I know it won’t be shit.
But trust, man.
That’s hard for me.
I’m controlling at best.
More leaning ocd.
I waver between impulsive and compulsive on the daily.
So for her to say she’ll freehand it
Is like me saying let me just eat everything in the kitchen and see if I get fat.
It’s insane to me.
Yet, I’m attracted to it.
I want it.
I want to be open to trust.
To releasing my control.
I want to be free to receive her art.
So
Pray for me
Or
Whatever
Because I’m about to pay almost $1,000 for freedom.
The ink is my memory My reach into the past Each line is like a hand I can't help but take The escape is so real One more hit, one more feel You'll understand if you get one It will make you come undone The addiction tastes warm Like crawling back into your mother's womb It eases me And when it is finished, I get to see my heart beat hung on my skin Knowing nothing is akin I am unique, regardless of what you say And I will continue this investment of art until every dollar is paid
